This past week as I sifted through the regular daily mail of colorful fliers, credit card applications and various sale catalogs a plain white envelope hand addressed to me caught my eye. Written in sharply slanted and impeccably neat cursive I immediately recognized it as the handwriting of my mother. Inside the envelope were two sheets of paper upon which were written the names and addresses of various people. I had been expecting this list from my mother, a guest list for a very special occasion.
In August my parents will celebrate 50 years of marriage. My sister and I began nine months ago to plan a reception in their honor for this special day. Although my parents are aware that we are planning a party for their anniversary, they do not know where the party will be or what it will entail. In this way my sister and I hope to maintain a sense of surprise for their special day. A couple of weeks ago I informed my mother that it was time for her to consider a guest list for the party, with a limit of 100 people to be invited.
Of all the details that my sister and I have considered together, deciding how many people to plan for was perhaps the biggest quandary. My parents have always been socially active and have numerous friends and acquaintances. We could easily plan for 150 people (between family and friends) at such an event. Yet, we quickly realized that 75-100 people would be the number we could afford to accommodate at the elegantly simple country club setting we had chosen for the occasion.
Therefore, when the simple handwritten list came in the mail I found myself dumbfounded that it contained the names of merely 50 guests. I assumed that my mother was too polite to invite the maximum 100, likely out of concern for the cost involved for me and my sister. But, one detail my mother is unaware of, is that the minimum number of guaranteed guests at the country club reception center is 75.
In a quick phone call I expressed my surprise about the size of the guest list and encouraged my mother to invited 30-50 additional guests. Her reaction to this request was more surprising that the guest list itself, as she explained to me that her and my father wanted the anniversary party to be an “intimate affair” involving only the very closest of friends and family members. They did not want to bother other friends and acquaintances with an invitation which might seem to be nothing more than “seeking out gifts”.
What I thought would be a simple call and welcomed request to invite more guests, suddenly turned into a complicated conversation as my mother expressed her feelings and concerns. In order to ease such worries, I suggested that the invitations could be worded in a way communicating that gifts are not necessary, and that “the honor of your presence is the greatest gift of all”.
In completing parashah Devarim I found myself considering an interesting invitation reiterated by Moses to the tribes of Reuben and Gad in Deuteronomy 3:18;
HaShem your G-d, gave you this Land for a possession, armed shall you cross over before your brethren, the Children of Israel, all the men of accomplishment. (Stone Chumash)
In Deuteronomy 2 & 3 after reminding the people that they are forbidden to fight against and/or acquire the land of the descendants of Esau (Edom/Seir) and of Lot (Moab and Ammon), Moses reiterates the awesome victories of Israel over Sihon the powerful King of the Amorites and Og the giant king of Bashan. In defeating the Amorites and the Bashanites, Israel acquired valuable and extensive land east of the Jordan River, land that was very desirable to the tribes of Gad and Reuben. Numbers 32 gives the account of the two tribes request to Moses to inherit this land east of the Jordan due to the abundant herds of cattle that they possessed.
Generally the rabbi’s look upon the two tribes request for an inheritance outside the borders of Eretz Yisrael with disdain and disappointment. Questions surround the actual number of cattle that were owned by the two tribes with some commentators conjecturing that the matter of “abundance” was a result of a tendency to focus too greatly on their material possessions. Moses at first rebukes them for such a request suspecting that they are motivated by a desire to avoid fighting for an inheritance within the Land itself.
To refute this, Gad and Reuben replied that they would serve as vanguards of the Children of Israel, positioning themselves on the frontlines of the Jewish army in battle. Their only request was that they might quickly build pens for their flocks and livestock and cities for their small children east of the Jordan prior to entering Eretz Yisrael to fight with the rest of the nation (Numbers 32:16-17). The rabbi’s astutely notice the order of priority in this response; which places the building of pens for flocks and livestock ahead of cities for their children. Again, revealing a preoccupation with material concerns.
This preoccupation is perhaps most starkly realized by the fact that the two tribes never bothered to see the Land or consider it in anyway before making a decision as to where they would settle. The first territory acquired that looked desirable to them was the land they requested to inherit, despite the fact that HaShem had promised them a land “flowing with milk and honey” within the borders of Israel itself.
Yet, Moses accepts their request on condition that they fight with their fellow brothers until the conquest of the Land is completed. In order to keep Gad and Reuben connected with the rest of Israel, and that they not fall into an isolated existence, Moses instructs part of the tribe of Manasseh to also settle on the east side of the Jordan with them (although Manasseh did not request this).
The tribe of Manasseh is understood to be a spiritually strong people with a great love for the Land. Both Joseph (the progenitor of Manasseh) and Zelophehad’s daughters (of Manasseh) displayed a profound love for Eretz Yisrael. Joseph instructed that his bones be buried there, and the daughters reasoned with Moses for their rightful inheritance of the Land in lieu of a male heir. Manasseh’s willingness to follow Moses instruction and settle part of its tribe with Gad and Reuben to the east of the Jordan would provide the two tribes with a strong spiritual influence and encourage them not to lose their love for the Land.
Yet, in reviewing and summarizing this account in Deuteronomy chapter 3 Moses includes a detail not mentioned in Numbers 32; the command that Reuben and Gad armed for battle shall “cross over before your brethren”. Rabbi Moshe Alshich in his commentary on chumash, Torat Moshe, poses the question as to why the presence of Reuben and Gad were necessary as part of the fighting force of Israel. Since G-d had promised Israel the possession of the Land why was it necessary for two tribes who had chosen an inheritance outside Eretz Yisrael to go along to battle with the rest?
From a practical standpoint, Gad and Reuben were tribes known for their strength and military prowess. Jacob, in his deathbed blessing upon his twelve sons, relates the unique qualities of each tribe. Reuben is called “preeminent in power” (Genesis 49:3) while Gad is described as the tribe that “overcomes” troops that attempt to overcome him (Genesis 49:19). The Midrash says that when Joseph presented his brothers before Pharaoh, he did not present Gad with the rest. Due to Gad’s great physical size and strength Joseph feared that Pharaoh would draft him for the Egyptian army.
Moses realized that G-d’s promises and blessings require a response and action on the part of the people. Although the Land had been promised to them, this did not pardon Israel from the responsibility to fight for it and to do so with every available resource they had to the best of their ability. Reuben and Gad were a crucial resource in facing battles ahead.
Yet, being viewed as a valuable resource brings with it the idea of obligation and the sense of duty. Reuben and Gad’s presence with their brothers in crossing the Jordan and fighting for the Land could easily be understood by them and the nation as nothing more than a necessary obligation. The “honor of their presence” requested only due to their physical strength and fighting abilities.
Therefore, Moses provided them with the unique opportunity, not only to fight “alongside” their brethren out of a sense of duty and obligation, but to “cross over before them”. As Reuben and Gad crossed the Jordan dressed in full military gear and armed for battle the rest of the nation would be encouraged regarding the victories of possessing the Land which lay ahead. If the two tribes which already had an inheritance to the east of the Jordan displayed an eagerness to go into the Land and fight for it, the faith of the entire nation would be bolstered regarding the certainty of victory and G-d’s deliverance of the Land into their hands. [1] Instead of crossing over with the others due to obligation and duty and occupying the front lines because of their natural military abilities alone, the true honor of Reuben and Gad’s presence was the opportunity to bolster the morale of the entire nation. An opportunity Moses recognized and graciously instructed them to participate in.
. . . . . . . .
Although it is not unusual for invitations to an event such as an anniversary party to include the request that gifts are not required, this suggestion did not sit well with my mother. In her experience with “no gift required” events people always bring gifts anyway which results in others feeling “cheap and uncomfortable”. Because of this she again expressed the desire to have a small celebration.
As I felt a sense of disappointment welling up inside of me, my mind raced for a solution. I could contact the country club and withdraw the reservation, risk the possibility of losing a deposit, and hopefully find a smaller and simpler venue with less than three months time remaining. Or I could appease my parent’s preference for an “intimate celebration” and pay for a minimum of 75 plates despite the likelihood of 40-45 people being in attendance.
Instead of getting into financial details or explaining that I was facing a 75 person minimum, I decided to question my mother’s viewpoint. Was it right to assume that an invitation to such an event is always viewed as an obligation upon people, with the focus being the cost and effort of providing a gift for the celebration? Would it not be better to give people the benefit of the doubt? To assume that friends and acquaintances would see such an invitation as an opportunity to celebrate a lifetime event, and that not receiving an invitation might be a disappointment to them?
Slowly my mother considered my reasoning and inevitably she agreed with me. Instead of viewing an invitation to the upcoming 50th anniversary party as an obligation and duty she realized that in the most general sense it was an opportunity to celebrate and share in the joy of a momentous occasion. That the “honor of your presence” as “the greatest gift of all” is not just a polite phrase meant to relieve an obligation, but rather a phrase expressing the real meaning and purpose of such a celebration.
Although my sister and I are delighted to plan a party for my parent’s 50th, in our family such celebrations are considered a duty. It is an unwritten rule and longstanding tradition that 25th and 50th anniversaries are expected to be celebrated with a nice party thrown by parents and/or children alike. With the final details of the 50th anniversary reception quickly coming to a close, my mother has already spoken to me about 2011, the year my sister will be married 25 years. Inevitably another round of party planning is in my future : )
Yet, with the first parashah of Deuteronomy behind me I have found myself reflecting on the opportunities that lie in the midst of life’s duties and obligations . . . opportunities to rise above mere rote fulfillment of expectations in order to consider fuller dimensions and broader perspectives which both inspire and motivate.
[1] Torat Moshe as cited in; Rabbi Lazer Gurkow, Devarim: Food for Thought for Your Dinner Table (Shabbat; Truth in G-d) available at; http://www.innerstream.ca/blog/ParshaInsights/Dvarim/Dvarim/_archives/2008/8/3/3822727.html
